My Life is Lame

I recently graduated college and now I’m going to boast about it.  I RECENTLY GRADUATED COLLEGE! I’m done boasting, but in all honesty, I rocked at college.  Like if being good at college was a career, I’d be the CEO of college.

I know what you’re thinking.  He must have studied hard, pulled all nighters and spent hours in the library.  Well if that was your thought process, you, my friend, thought wrong. 

Studied? Please. Pulled all nighters?  In my bed asleep while repeats of Family Guy played in the background. Hours in the library?  We had one?

I slept in class on film days.  I skipped a few classes every semester.  I would take extended bathroom breaks to get food, visit friends, and, well, nap. Now that I think about it, I slept a lot in college.  

I’m sure you’re wondering how I did it.  How did I make all As?  How did I graduate with a 3.3?  How did I sleep more than yogi?  I followed 3 simple rules. 

1. Participated.  If you say something at least twice every class, your professor will eat that up.  Hell, if you just raise your hand (After the professor has already made eye contact and chosen his prey) you’ll get brownie points just for trying, and you don’t even have to have an answer prepared. 

2. Visited. Not the liquor store, your professor during office hours.  Visiting them will set you apart from everyone else and when it comes to grading a paper that visit you made will probably get you an A- over a B+.

3. E-mailed. Doing a homework?  E-mail your professor a question.  Even if you already know the answer, just e-mail them.  Ask them where to write your name on the page.  Whatever it is, the joy they’ll receive from seeing a 1 beside their inbox is unmeasurable.  Unless you count getting an A as a measurement. 

Basically what I’m saying kids, is that to succeed in college, you have to suck up to your professors.  Raise your hand in class, make eye contact, send them e-mails as if you’re interested in the topic of their class.  Following these 3 simple rules will allow you to be just like me, and graduate college with flying colors. 

Of course you could always just sleep with them. 

1. I get to be with my people, as I’m 1/250 Spanish, but only while wearing glasses. 

2. The fun games we play like Count the white people and hooker? Neighbor? Or both?

3. The look of surprise on peoples faces when they see I haven’t been shot…yet.

4. Being the richest guy in my neighborhood.

5. Living near the projects really helps me stay humble…and scared.

6. The only restaurant in my neighborhood with an A grade, is McDonalds.

7. Knowing that if I ever needed a gun, I could find one.

8. The new 24 hour Mexican diner, that’s located up the street from the Mexican restaurant, which is located across the street from a Mexican take out place.

9. Playing hopscotch over the dog poop on the sidewalk that no one ever seems to pick up.

10. Building forts at night to stay warm as our land lord turns the heat off between midnight and 5 a.m. 

In case you haven’t noticed, reality television has really taken over the television landscape.  I mean there’s Jersey Shore, The Real Housewives of Jersey, and that show the puts the offspring from the previous two shows in a Hunger Games style death match against each other.

When will this insanity end? I mean honestly, I just graduated college, I don’t need to watch TV to see young people throwing up, I just had four years of that. However I just can’t seem to help myself.

I think to get past this slight reality addiction, I need to be on a reality TV show.  I’ve already figured out how to win.

The Amazing Race: Set a trap at the start of the race that trips everyone ultimately giving me and my partner the upper hand.

Big Brother: Kill them all.

Survivor: To win survivor all you really have to do is wait it out, because every time a leader steps up, they vote them out. Plus I’m really good, I mean really good, at sitting around and doing nothing.

Real World Road Rules Challenge:  Honestly, I’m already smarter than everyone else.  Winning that game would be as easy as stealing an STD from a prostitute. 

American Idol: Kill them all.   

Hell’s Kitchen: Chef would probably kill me. 

So be on the lookout kids.  I’m gonna be acting like trailer trash on a TV near you. 

Growing up in the south, or in my case just getting taller because I’ve never really matured, allowed me to really learn some life lessons.  And now, I feel like it’s my civic duty, to God, this country and the Dallas Cowboys (because let’s face it, they can always use some help) to pass on this advice. 

1. Don’t lie…gives you hepatitis C

2. Once you have hair on your chest you’re a man…I guess I’ve still got a few years

3. When the sun is out and it’s raining, the devil’s beating his wife

4. Listening to rap music increases the crime rate in preschools and nursing homes and decreases the sales of anchovies…not exactly sure of the connection, but it makes sense

5. If you beat a dead horse, you’ll only get flies

6. Imaginary friends, aren’t real friends, especially Billy, he’ll talk about you behind your back.

7. Courtesy is contagious…and so is chlamydia

8. Boys will be boys, unless they act like girls…and then they’re gay

I’m not trying to strike an organ key, but I don’t get catholics.

I was raised southern baptist.  You know, the we can still be trashy and get into heaven view on Christianity.  

Recently I had to cover a story for my new job in St. Patrick’s Cathedral during an evening mass.  Gee was I lost.

First of all, there were men wearing dresses.  Dresses.  There was a green dress, a white dress and a red dress.  I’m not sure if they were in uniform or Italian.

Also, the whole service was so structured.  They even had a special time for nodding at each other.  And it was like a competition to see who could nod at the most people.  I saw one guy nod at ten people in 5 seconds. It was like watching someone have a seizure.

On top of the nodding, everyone kept standing up and down.  It was like musical pews.  In my church we stretch out. Get comfortable. Bring a book.  A coloring book. 

Plus, they took up offering five times.  Five times.  No wonder most catholics are broke immigrants, all their money is going to the church. 

Honestly, I just like the way baptist do things.  As long as the door  is closed you’re solid.  Wanna drink?  Close the door. Wanna dance? Close the door.  Wanna kill your liberal wife?  Close the door.  It’s a lot simpler. 

Like I said, I’m not trying to start another war, I mean let’s be honest, I’m not even Jewish, but I just don’t get Catholics.  I mean Mary doesn’t even seem that great, wasn’t she kind of slutty?

1. They expect me to not only show up to work on time, but several times a week.

2. Forty hours a week, is like, a lot.  When am I suppose to watch Mad Men? And Terra Nova?  And Community?

3. It’s really hard for me to get the 12 hours of sleep I need daily. 

4. When I get to work, I have to do stuff.

5. Starting pay is not $100,000 a year. 

6. If I don’t do my job, I’ll get fired.  Whatever happened to taking a break?

7. Lunch isn’t provided.

8. Sleeping at work is looked down upon…but yet they have couches every where.

9. It means you’re a grown up.