August 2011
10 posts
4 tags
My Roommate Killed a Guy...
So we have a mouse. That’s right a mouse. I’ve named him Stuart and my roommate tried to spice things up and call him Fernando, but he doesn’t really look like a Fernando, I mean, he’s grey.
Anyways, I lived a whole week by myself without coming across Stuart and the day after my roommate shows up, there he is. Running across our kitchen floor....
7 tags
Holey Cream?
Since moving here last Saturday, I’ve been on a very stressful quest to find a job. And let me tell you kids, it did not start off well.
This past Monday I had two job interviews…In one day, I know. The first one was at this central european restaurant owned by these people with these accents, origins unknown, (But I’m guessing from somewhere in central...
6 tags
The Days and Nights of a Broke New Yorker
As most of you know, I moved to New York City without getting a job first. Since I don’t have one of those things, I’m not allowing myself to spend any money, which has negatively effected what I fill my days and nights with. Here is what I’ve been up to as a broke new yorker.
1. Watching “Matlock” on the stolen cable. I can hum the theme song by...
3 tags
Awkward in the City
Last night was my first night as a New York City resident, and after a long day of moving everything up two flights of stairs I…napped. Or at least tried. There was a spiritual happening in the playground across the street and every once in a while, my dreams of my bed falling through the floor were interrupted by a woman screaming JESUS! JE…….SUS!
Anyways, after a short...
3 tags
The Big One...
Well kids, this is the big one. I’m finally moving to New York City. All the boxes are packed. The Uhaul truck is all ready to go. And I’ve got my sounds of the farm tape so I don’t miss home.
What I’m most excited about is all the help I’m going to have when I move into my apartment. My mom and dad are coming to help. My Aunt. My Aunt’s boyfriend. My...
5 tags
An Acceptable Bra Size: Our Nation's Credit
I’m gonna be honest, I don’t exactly know what’s going on with our nation’s credit, except that the company who grades our credit must be Batteries Plus. And if a double A is wrong, I don’t want to be right. I mean most of my electronics take double A anyways.
Also, shouldn’t we have a problem with a credit rating system that sounds a lot like bra...
6 tags
This Week in Lame-8/06/11
In case you crazy kids haven’t noticed, I’ve been MIA this week. Well that’s because I was busy signing the lease to my brand new New York City Apartment. So to commemorate this epic week, this will be a special edition of This Week in Lame: New York City.
5. My slow walking pace: This one pretty much explains itself. I’m a pretty relaxed walker, and everyone in...
July 2011
16 posts
7 tags
This Week in Lame: 7/29/11
5. Water/Electric Bills: It’s lame that we have to pay for either of these. You know it’s true.
4. Addicting TV Shows: It’s not that the shows are lame, it’s the person I become while watching them. I plan my day around a viewing schedule. I make references that no one around me gets. I begin to think that I’m part of the rebellion on New Caprica. It’s...
5 tags
A Really Hot Bum
Ok kids, here is some breaking news: I’m currently a bum, hobo, squatter (But one that paid). I woke up to no electricity and water this morning, and it couldn’t have come at the worst time.
First of all, I really have to poop, and I’ve already flushed all the water out of the toilets (I’ve also got a small bladder and didn’t really think the whole conserving...
5 tags
A Tipsy Communion
I grew up in a southern baptist church. You know the drill-no drinking, no dancing, no singing, unless of course the door is closed. Every first Sunday of the month we had communion. The deacons would pass around disgusting chunks of yeast-less bread and Welch’s grape juice, you know, the same stuff Jesus had when he took communion.
Once in middle school, I stayed the...
7 tags
This Week in Lame-7/22/11
5. MTV’s The Challenge: A friend of mine forced me to watch that shizz, and it’s dumb. Now, I’ve never been one for reality TV, unless it’s something good like The Amazing Race. All these contestants did was yell, get naked and drink. I just saw four years of that at college.
4. The Heat: And I don’t mean the basketball team for once, I mean...
6 tags
Cleavage
So the other day I run into a friend I haven’t seen in a while and we begin to have a conversation to catch up on each others lives. However, much like a bird when it seems something shiny, I couldn’t focus. Her cleavage was calling out to me.
“Matthew,” it whispered to me.
Now ladies, I know what you’re thinking. Pig. Scum. A**whole. But...
3 tags
Freaked
So next month…or the month after, I’m moving to New York City, and nope, as of now I don’t have a job. I know what you’re thinking. What an idiot. But I’ve accepted this so lets move on.
First of all I realize that in 3 months I’ll either be barely making it in NYC living off of Ramen Noodles or back home with my parents, while they try and explain to...
5 tags
This Week in Lame-7/15/11
5. Midnight Premieres: I get excited for these things, and then when I show up an hour early to get good seats, I get tired. Then there’s a point half way through the movie that I can barely keep my eyes open, and by the end of the film I’m glad it’s over.
4. Your mom: My mom’s better, sorry kids.
3. Magic: It’s lame that it doesn’t exist, and then...
6 tags
The Harry Potter Problem
Ok. I’m about to say something that’s gonna rock some boats. Now, I’m an avid Harry Potter fan. I was apart of the original generation that read the books as they were coming out. I had to wait years to read the next one. Unlike these kids today who can buy them all in one box set. Bastards.
Anyways, ever since I read the last book, one thing has been bothering me....
3 tags
