My Life is Lame

I’m just spit ballin’ here, but I don’t think I could ever do porn. 

Seriously. I can’t even pee in front people.

Whenever I’m in a public restroom and someone stands next to me at the urinal, I die a little inside, and no matter how full my bladder is, its contents seems to evaporate.  I then stand there trying to force myself to pee, but strain so much I end up farting. 

This is my life. 

Getting back to my original point, I could never do porn.  Gosh there’s probably 3 camera men (Or women, but who are we kidding, you know they’re men) watching, the light guy, and the creepy sound guy.

And then of course the director.  How do you even direct porn anyways?  I feel like it would be awkward to interrupt two people going at it.  

“Excuse me.  Korina.  Can you try and keep your lazy eye from facing the camera.  And Mr. Long John.  Can you stop slapping her ass so much.  We’re running out of make up. And Uncle Gerry.  I told you if you’re going to be the sound guy, you’re gonna have to control that.”

So what are we are up to?  6 people would be watching.  Do producers go to the shoots?  Are there porn producers?  I guess someone has to produce that stuff.  And write it too?  

Porn writers must have the easiest job.

Int. Night. Office.

Mr. Man enters the office with his Co-worker Mr. Head.  They catch Cindy misusing the copy machine.  Cindy decides to show both Mr. Man and Mr. Head how much fun the copy machine can be.

BAM.  I just wrote porn b*tches.  

Maybe that’s my calling.  Maybe I should quit trying to be funny and just write porn.  I mean, I’m 22, I get horny a lot.  That’s definitely a plus when it comes to writing porn right?

I wouldn’t even have to change my name.  People could just call me Mr. Johnson.