My Life is Lame

That Week I was Tarzan

I had surgery on my balls once.

What?

I thought you guys should know.

When I was in 6th grade I would get this unbearable, painful feeling in my testicles. However, coming from the family that I come from, I never brought it up. See, I was raised to believe that good southern people don’t talk about their private parts. No matter what (Clearly this rule hasn’t stuck with me).

So for 11 months this went on, until one night, the pain was so great, I couldn’t stay quiet anymore. So I told my mom…that my lower stomach really hurt.

Off to the hospital we went and before I knew it, this ginger lady was performing an ultra sound on my balls. No, it did not feel good. It was cold and sticky and she didn’t even clean up after she was done.

Instead, she told me that something in my testicles was twisting and they were going to have to perform surgery to stop it.

Telling a 6th grader who is just learning about the wonders of his body that he has to have surgery on his balls, is not something you should just blurt out. I can think of at least 3 better ways she could have told me.

1. Do you want some candy? Here’s your favorite, a reece’s peanut butter cup. By the way, we need to cut open you balls.

2. For such a young man, you’re very well endowed. Luckily the surgery we have to do won’t change that.

3. What I have here, is a fun mask. Just hold it up to your face, breathe in, and count to ten (AKA not tell me at all).

So into surgery they rushed me. The next thing I know, I had the fun mask over my face and the doc sounded just like the teacher on Charlie Brown.

I barely remember coming out of the anesthesia. My mom told me later in life, that one of the first questions I asked was, “Did they cut it off?”

After the surgery I wasn’t in the hospital for very long. For some reason that particular surgery is just a in and out surgery, even though it seemed like a lot more serious to me.

Before I left, a nurse stopped by my room to give me something. This is how that conversation went.

“Okay honey, know you are gonna have to lose all your dignity and let me put this on you. “

She then held up what looked like something she had stolen from Tarzan.

“I have to wear that?”

“Yes. You want to hang loose so the stitches don’t catch on anything.”

Gulp.

So for a week I was Tarzan.

And that my friends, is when I had surgery on my balls.