You know what’s worse than the headache you have the day after St. Patrick’s day? Or realizing your zipper has been down all day and no one told you? Or realizing the most exciting thing to happen in your life recently was seeing another white person in your neighborhood looking just as scared as you are?
It’s a day that leads down all the wrong paths. Paths that lead to a fiery inferno. A place where birds will peck your eyes out and worms will slowly eat away at your Valentine’s day corpse (At least that’s how they describe hell in the bible).
Valentine’s day only results in three horrific things.
1. Going broke
2. Catching an STD
3. Getting pregnant
Now there are ways to avoid what I call the V-day trifecta wrap of hell.
1. Stay away from anyone you might sleep with: Now for some, that might be harder than it is for others, but that’s just because you’re a slut.
2. Lock your door and don’t leave: This includes your house, apartment, dorm room, trailer, tractor trailer and homeless shelter. Of course if you live with your boyfriend or girlfriend get the hell out, and get as far away as possible.
3. Take sleeping pills: Seriously, you do not need to be awake at all. Unless you’re that one sick guy who would kill to be in the middle of the human centipede and there’s nothing that means more to you in life than being able to catch the clap.
So today kids, be careful. Don’t accidentally trip and fall into someone. Because nine months later you will be picking up diapers and your herpes medication from the pharmacy.